Varia And It's Neverending Antics
by HakaAna
Summary: Mainly just a bunch of Varia oneshots that revolve around B26 although XS is involved and Lussuria xPlant but Belfran is my OTP so nothing too graphic. Hope you enjoy.
1. Belphegor is NOT a seamstress

_**Main character: Belphegor.**_

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_**Location: Varia mansion.**_

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_**Mission: To fix the damn hole in his jacket that came from hell itself.**_

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**Disclaimer: I do not own khr in any way, shape or form.**

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_**Belphegor is NOT a seamstress.**_

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_"Senpai."_

_"Senpai."_

_"Bel senpai..."_

_"Sen-" "What?! Why do you bother the prince so?"_

_"It just looks to me like you aren't doing it right... Senpai."_

_"Shishi, shut up toad! You can't even fix your little froggy hat so be quiet before I make you, shi."_

_"That's mean. You're the one who made all those holes in the first pl- SENPAI!"_

Bang. Thwack. Plunk_._

_"THE PRINCE SAID TO SHUT UP!"_

_"Ow."_

_Fran sighed as his fingers wrapped around the thick metal knives penetrating his thick frog hat. That served somewhat of a purpose. At least it it protected him from being impaled in the head by his insane knife throwing senpai._

_He yanked it out and prepared to bend the stupid things beyond use if it weren't for the look Bel senpai gave him. Or rather could have, the fringe of bangs covering his eyes kept anyone from seeing most of his face. Fran bet he could probably do things better if they weren't hanging in his face._

* * *

Like now. He was trying his hand at sewing. You see, earlier on he had been frolicking around the woods, doing his usual routine. Killing unsuspecting victims just for the sake of seeing the crimson blood spattered among the dense forest floor. The thrill of it all.

Just the coppery scent felt exhilarating and he knew he had to have more. Their chilling screams only intensified his bloodlust causing most of them to die, others critically injured. All in all it had been a wonderful day and he came home covered head to toe in the slimy red mess.

Lussuria had taken one look at the bloody prince and clucked his tongue like a disapproving mother. "Bel~ You must learn to wash up immediately after killing the masses. Or it will soak into your clothes and never get out~" Bel "tch'ed" and headed upstairs for once obeying Luss without a usual princely remark. Peasants should learn to stay in their place though. Or bad things might happen. He snickered.

After a nice relaxing shower fit for royalty while his clothes washed and dried, he dressed into his casual clothes. A usual dark striped long sleeved shirt and black jeans. Shaking his head like a dog to get rid of all the dampness after he brushed it was essential. Gave off that brutish prince look.

Taking one look in the mirror and placing his tiara on his head with an overly excessive grin he swung open the door and pranced into the hall, marching gayly {Happily you noobs.} down the steps. Nothing could spoil this moment of accomplishment.

Murdering the human population always put a skip in his step, a larger smile to his face and more pride than ever in Bel. Strangely enough.

Prancing to the laundry room he flipped the dryer door open and proceeded to fish out his now dry and sparkling uniform. His smile died when he grasped the fabric of his jacket though. His fingers when straight through a large rip in the side.

That wouldn't do at all, a prince's clothes had to look perfect. He tapped his chin for a moment of deep thought. Lussuria was handy with a needle and thread, but the gaylord was afterall like the woman of the house. Luss cooked, cleaned, sewed and looked after the other members even became like a personal nurse.

If anyone could fix it, the gay peasant could. With that assurance in mind Bel exited the cluttered room with his clothes slung casually over his shoulders. Not bothering to close the dryer door, the bulb in there could burn out for all he cared.

"Gay peasant?" Bel poked his head in and out of rooms, searching Varia's large mansion for the usually easy to find housekeeper.

After maybe twenty minutes of searching Bel was becoming frustrated. Lussuria was nowhere around here. This pissed him off. He could be relaxing in his room but instead he was busy hunting down a... Well... Pedophile? Lussuria was many, many things. Some of them not to be mentioned concerning the sane and somewhat innocent minds of readers. This was rated T for a reason.

"WHERE IS LUSSURIA?" Bel finally screamed so loud it caused Levi to storm out of his room and begin having a bitch fit. Bel was apparently disturbing his 'beauty sleep' although it obviously did no good. He grinned devilishly. "Ushishishi, where is the gaylord?" The prince expected an answer. Levi however didn't look like he was about to answer he was so busy fuming and ranting about nonsensical things all of which Bel was ignoring.

All the commotion brought Squalo crashing out of his room in his shark footy pajamas. It was a Saturday so technically they had nothing to do other than sleep in, train or watch Bel kill oodles of innocent lives. Obviously sleeping was much more fun.

Squalo didn't seem to notice his undignified apparel as he unsheathed his sword waving it around like a madman. "VOOOIIIII WHAT'RE YOU BRATS SCREAMING ABOUT? SHUT IT BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASSES." Instead of feeling the least bit threatened Bel fell to the ground shaking in uncontrollable laughter. He rolled on the plush carpet clutching his side and turning red from lack of oxygen.

"I'll kill you." Hissed the captain as he realized he was in his footy pajamas. However he never got the chance when a gunshot rang down the halls, shattering the inner half of the wall. "Shut it you trash!" Came Xanxus's sleepy yet booming voice down the hall. They were screwed.

So Bel simply asked once more where Lussuria had gone and scowled at the information that he had gone shopping and wouldn't be back for a long time yet. Peeved beyond reason he resolved it was too long for him to wait so he'd just do it himself.

* * *

And now here he was with Lussuria's frilly disgustingly pink sewing kit that looked like it was made to appease the female population. Trying to sew the stupid hole shut. How did people put up with this.

Swallowing and wiping his clammy palms onto his jeans, Bel focused on trying once more. His hand trembled as he brought up the pointy metal stick as he called it, although it was normally referred to as a needle. But the prince couldn't be bothered with that, trying to get the confounded thread through this needle was the hardest part. Now matter how accurately he tried, the thread kept narrowly missing the eye of the needle.

Bel finally lost patience. Growling he threw everything at the wall. This made a large thud which resounded around the room. Instead of caring, he sprawled across the floor with a pout, sulking like a little child. Prince the ripper, royalty, could not even do the simplest of sewing. The though infuriated him to no end.

The small tapping sound on the door only tweaked on his nerves more as his kohai's usual monotone voice came from the other side. "Senpai, the banging is getting very annoying. Could you keep it down?" Bel scoffed.

How dare him, a frog, boss the prince around. "No." He snapped back. "Go away you toad!" His warning wasn't heeded however. The door clicked open and Fran cane shuffling into the room. Eyes widening only a fraction at the mess his senpai had created everywhere.

Pink and silver sewing objects were scattered all over the floor along with a variety of different colored threads. Lussuria's now empty kit was laying out on the floor, all the contents splayed every which way.

"Who knew senpai had such girly hobbies." Fran said not missing a beat, his comment was met with a cluster of knives in his hat and a very pissed off Belphegor. The prince hissed and pointed towards the door. "Get out!"

Fran only shook his head. "The stupid long haired captain sent me here to watch over you and make sure you don't make any more loud noises." Bel scoffed at this. "The prince is your elder froggy, the prince doesn't need a babysitter." Fran clicked his tongue.

Ignoring him Bel decided he'd try again. Picking up his jacket and the previously tried sewing supplies he sat cross legged on the floor. Trying to poke it through the hole. It wasn't working, another exasperating sigh escaped his thin lips.

He never noticed Fran had moved close until the frog boy spoke. "What are you trying to do senpai?" Bel nearly jumped at how close Fran's voice was near his ear. "If froggy must know, the prince is trying to fix a tear in his coat, shi." He then turned back with more zeal, trying to poke the infernal string from hell into the socket.

"Maybe it would help if you pinned your bangs out of the way." Fran commented smartly earning a growl of irritation from the latter. "I grew them out for a reason." Bel snapped in response. Sighing in relief as he heard Fran get up and leave the room.

A few minutes later Bel was surprised when he could suddenly see clearly and the thread went cleanly through the eye of the needle. "Take that ushishi, there is clearly nothing the prince cannot overcome." He smirked triumphantly but it faded when he realized he couldn't feel the familiar brushing of bangs on his face.

"Senpai sure has interesting eyes." A monotone voice came from nowhere. Bel's eyes widened as he realized his eyes could be seen. But how? Cautiously he reached up to his head realizing his long blonde bangs had been pinned back. Growling he wrenched them off, it stung a bit, but he'd never let anyone know. Worst of all, they were My Little Pony clips. Ones with purple unicorns on them.

Bel screamed and threw them against the wall in disgust. "Where did you even get those?!" He exclaimed pointing one royal finger at Fran who in turn shrugged emotionlessly. "I snuck into the stupid captain's room and took them." Belphegor gave him a funny look and he simply shrugged.

Shaking his head he turned back to work and began making sloppy and distorted stitches into the jacket. But it just didn't look right. Not in the least, so he pulled them all out and started over again. The next ones only looked worse. So he tried again and again repeatedly. Constantly stabbing the poor fabric, unable to understand why they weren't coming out straight and tiny.

"Senpai."

"Senpai."

"Bel senpai..."

"Sen-" "What?! Why do you bother the prince so?"

"It just looks to me like you aren't doing it right... Senpai."

"Shishi, shut up toad! You can't even fix your little froggy hat so be quiet before I make you, shi."

"That's mean. You're the one who made all those holes in the first pl- SENPAI!"

_Bang. Thwack. Plunk._

"THE PRINCE SAID TO SHUT UP!"

"Ow."

Fran sighed as his fingers wrapped around the thick metal knives penetrating his thick frog hat. That served somewhat of a purpose. At least it it protected him from being impaled in the head by his insane knife throwing senpai.

He yanked it out and prepared to bend the stupid things beyond use if it weren't for the look Bel senpai gave him. Or rather could have, the fringe of bangs covering his eyes kept anyone from seeing most of his face. Fran bet he could probably do things better if they weren't hanging in his face.

"Jeez. And you call yourself a genius." He sniffed.

Stab.

"Urk." Fran coughed a bit, pulling the knife from his stomach and twisting that one up as well before letting the useless piece of trash clatter to the floor and join the rest.

"Don't you ever bleed froggy?" Bel cocked his head to the side, momentarily forgetting about the piece of mishmashed clothing he was distorting. Fran did the same, placing his hands behind his back in a casual stance and bending forward. "I'm human too senpai." He sniffed.

Bel rolled his unseen eyes and went back to sewing. Fran inserting criticism here and there, not helping one bit.

* * *

It was three hours later and Lussuria was cheerfully putting away the canned food he'd bought. Suddenly many thumping sounds were heard. There was a large crashing noises and a few curses followed.

It wasn't much longer before he heard thumping down the stairs. The door to the kitchen opened and there stood Fran, he seemed to have Bel's entire knife collection in his hat as he held out some unidentifiable ball of cloth and dropped it into Lussuria's hands.

"Bel senpai requests that you fix the tear in his jacket." Fran commented blandly before mysteriously disappearing from the room, meaning walked out the door.

"Oh my~" Lussuria shook his head and pushed up his glasses before carrying the loathsome mess to the sewing room.

"Now if I could only find my sewing kit..."

* * *

**The moral of the story is, don't let Belphegor touch anything having to do with sewing no matter if he threatens you with one of his original looking knives and tries to decapitate your head.**

**I'm sure you would prefer to die knowing your sewing things are in order and accounted for.**

**Read and review please?**

**Also taking requests for any themes on Varia you'd like to have made into a story.**


	2. Class is something you're born with

**Sight crack. Varia and the things I put them through.**

**Disclaimer: I only own this story, Gustav, and all the dead people. ****Many people were harmed in the making of this oneshot.**

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_**Class is something you're born with.**_

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"Now remember trash, behave."

The rest of the members sniffed as they dispersed into their own separate rooms to get ready. Xanxus was being taken out to dinner for his birthday, apparently it was a 'big deal'. In reality only Levi thought so and was willing to pay for them all to go out to some fancy five star restaurant which famous and rich people of all kinds dined at.

This would wipe out his entire life savings but Levi insisted. The boss didn't care either way, as long as someone was paying for his food and not himself. It was free food okay, he didn't care how fancy it was. The fancier the better quality and rich tasting they were.

The whole group hasn't really gone over the general settings of table manners, but each had a rough idea of how they were supposed to be. In their minds.

Unfortunately they had no idea what to do about the tuxedos. No one wanted to wear them until Levi made it a point tat if they were wearing Varia uniforms, no matter if they showed their exclusive Vongola cards they wouldn't be allowed in. Bel's idea of skipping all that and just breaking in was easily shot down.

Now mutterings and curses exploded throughout the house. Lussuria was the only one who had any idea how to get into the monkey suits as Squalo had called them. Wanting so desperately to chop the freedom restricting suit into a mound of scraps.

So the gaylord scurried from room to room, helping everyone out. Except Xanxus, he was the first one Luss visited and was not happy at the prospect of being helped. It ridiculed him to no end.

So after a few bullets that almost hit spot on, Lussuria decided to skip the bossu and head to the next room. Squalo's.

Once he opened the door complete disaster met his eyes, it seemed every object the captain ever owned was knocked to the ground, the more fragile things were either shattered or cracked. And there was the captain. He was rolling in the ground in his boxers trying desperately to get his legs into his pants.

It seemed he was never taught your shoes go on 'after' you put on your pants. Whoever his mother was Lussuria felt sorry for the woman. "Damn you infernal..." More cusses slipped out Squalo's mouth as he tried jamming his legs in. Nothing worked.

Lussuria sighed and took off his shoes. Ignoring the captain's protests and curses he managed to get the loudmouthed man into his suit. "Squalooo~ Do something about that hair of yours won't you dear~" He chirped before exiting the room.

"Hmm..." Squalo gazed at himself in the mirror before hesitantly picking up the high quality hairbrush.

* * *

Levi was much easier. But same as Squalo he was found rolling on the ground, truth is he faked it. He didn't want to get caught standing half naked in front of the mirror and murmuring sweet nothing's and flamboyant compliments to himself.

So just when he was in the middle of telling himself what a feawsome wittle man he was, Lussuria came through the door so in a flash he had grabbed his pants and pretended to be struggling with putting them on.

Once Lussuria was done helping him and left the room he returned to basking himself in false compliments.

* * *

Bel was a bit easier. Being royalty he adjusted to the attire and put it on easily. The only thing wrong was the tie. He'd tried to get Fran to help him but his froggy kohai was over in the corner literally tied up in his suit. However had that happened.

"Now listen here, ushishi." Bel held a knife up to the tie like it would threaten the non living thing. "The prince insists you corporate or die, shi~" he tried to tie it again. But it didn't work out and got tangled around his ear in the oddest fashion possible.

Lussuria was busy untangling Fran who looked as if he couldn't care less. Enraged Bel grabbed a hidden knife from inside his masses of hair and slashed the innocent tie to little ribbons, proceeding to throw them in the air like confetti. "Lookit the pretty shreds~" Bel giggled earning silence and concerned looks from both occupants of the room.

After an hour everyone was ready to go. Mysteriously no one was wearing their ties, probably because shredding the first one excited Bel so much he ran around destroying all the ties in the house.

Once Lussuria appeared down the stairs berated by the others for wearing a bright pink suit, they all piled into the upgraded black minivan. One of them had painted a yellow stripe on each side to match their usual uniforms. Probably Fran, he was into things like that. Their license plate had 'Varia-1' on the back, that was Levi's idea that everyone actually excepted while in the process of customizing the plain van.

Now everyone squished into the seven passenger van fighting about who got to sit where. Fran and Bel ended up stuck in the back seats sulking, the prince more expressive.

Lussuria and Levi sat in the middle seats while Xanxus and Squalo sat up front. Unfortunately the boss was driving with Squalo sitting shotgun reading the directions from the GPS they kept stashed in the glove compartment. They were assassins not trackers, couldn't be bothered with such minor details as this.

"Don't you dare have left it on rever-" Squalo's threat was cut short by a jolt and the scraping of metal. "Pole downnnn." Remarked Fran sarcastically as Xanxus slammed on the gas pedal putting the van in reverse at an alarming speed. He managed to break two mailboxes in the process.

"This has a special coating that protects the van so shut up because I'm driving all you trash." Growled Xanxus, putting the van into drive he once again stamped down on the gas pedal causing Squalo and Lussuria to scream in fright.

Twenty minutes into the drive Bel and Fran who had an extreme dislike for each other and rare moments when they actually got along, were literally clinging to each other in fear.

So far Xanxus had managed to hit one deer, six possums, a lovey dovey couple on a nightly stroll who weren't anywhere near the road yet their boss still managed to hit them. And the ice cream man who was out there for whatever reason. All the while Levi cheering on his boss while Squalo continues micromanaging.

"Vooooiii where are you looking idiot boss?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR LEFT FROM YOUR RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. VOII I SAID RIGHT!"

"SHUT YOUR FRICKING MOUTH I'M TRYING TO DRIVE SCUM!

"WHAT?! OUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE!"

"That's your problem."

"YOU'RE THE ONE DRIVING!"

Xanxus flipped off Squalo who responded by growling and refusing to tell him the directions which pissed the boss off even more. They went in complete circles for ten minutes before he finally held a gun to the captain's head and ordered him to spill the directions from his filthy mouth.

* * *

Finally, after over an hour of driving they arrived at this fancy restaurant. None of them could pronounce the fancy name so they stopped trying and just went inside. Levi got their reservations and in five minutes they were all seated, beginning to scan the menu.

"Caviar? Isn't that fish eggs?" Fran asked making a face. None of the other names on the menu were readable or able to be identified as even food so in the end they just ordered breadsticks. But those were free and they had to order something.

"Voi, don't you have something normal to eat?" Squalo grumbled to fancily dressed waiter who was obviously used to serving more high class people, one could obviously tell by the incredulous look he gave them.

"Ve háve alfredo, it es ze plainesht 'sing ve háve." Fran and Bel sat in the corner snickering at this guy's accent but clammed up and gave him a look of complete innocence when he glanced their way. His tag said 'Gustav.'

"What's in it?~" Lussuria cooed in wonder receiving a nervous glance from Gustav as he nervously took in the appearance of the gaylord. "It es noodles en a crèamy sauce, vereh good. An might be moah pleesing to ze gents." Bel felt like asking this guy more questions just to hear his accent some more, Lussuria gave him a warning look that prevented him from doing so in order to refrain gaining the wrath of Xanxus.

"Then we'll take that." Xanxus ordered leaning back farther in his plush chair, mentally noting to steal some of these for the mansion, they were pretty comfy. Gustav quickly scribbled down all their orders in his notepad before shutting it and closing the book with a snap. "An v'hat v'oud ze gents like to drink?"

"Beer. The finest you have, trash." Xanxus boomed without hesitation. Gustav was a bit offended by his last word but wrote it down anyway. "An ze?" He asked pointing to Lussuria. "Oh just water for me please, I'm watching my figure~" chirped he in reply. Their waiter gave him yet another wary glance, backing away just a couple of inches writing it down cautiously.

"And ze?" He pointed at Levi whom responded with "beer." Squalo did the same. Once he got to Fran however it was a different story. "Got any soda?" The froggy asked blandly, Gustav shook his head in confusion. This was a fancy five star restaurant, of course they didn't. "Nen." Ye responded.

Fran looked confused. "Nen. I think you mean yen mister, your brain must have suddenly crashed and lost a variety of brain cells that allows you to process words. I'm not giving you any extra money." Gustav pulled back in offense before growling angrily. "Nen, I mean nen ve hàve zeroh soda." His face was becoming a little red.

Fran turned red as well, but it wasn't embarrassment. The slight bit of red was shocking, Fran's emotions were never expressed... "No soda..." He droned in his monotone voice, it became higher each second until he was shouting blankly, if that even possible. "And they call themselves a five star restaurant. Psh, what kind of place is this!" Fran stood up waving his arms about.

"Why would you have a restaurant and not carry soda! This is an abomination to the principle of eating out, I demand a lawyer and a glass of root beer!" He shut up when Bel stabbed him in the head, everyone stared at them both.

Fran silently sat back down in his chair, yanking out the knife. "Ushishi, pick something else froggy." The former sighed and threw the now twisted knife behind him casually. A sudden "oi!" And a couple screaming sounds came behind them as of it had hit the man behind them squarely on the head, he was bleeding profusely as people kept screaming for a medic.

"Then I'll have wine." Fran muttered. Gustav scribbled it down turning to Bel. "The prince will have the same as froggy, shi." He grinned twistedly and stabbed Fran's shoulder for emphasis on the word froggy. "Senpaaaiiiii that hurts." Whined his kohai not looking the least bit in pain as he yanked the knife out and threw it next to him. It went through some lady's neck.

It wasn't much later after Gustav scrambled off to get their drinks that a fight broke out. Apparently the ladies were upset about their dead friend for no reason. They were all waving their fancy gloves and trying to slap Fran with them. "Why don't you go back to your home, ON WHORE ISLAND!" Yelled Bel stabbing all the ladies present. Everyone turned to stare for a moment, then shrugged and went back to whatever they had been doing previously.

Lussuria giggled flirting with another homosexual guy currently on a date with a plant. His male plant was his best friend apparently, he asked Lussuria if he and his plant could join them at their table, so another chair was added next to Lussuria who was talking with one of his kind, turning every now and then to compliment the plant on how fresh it looked this evening.

"What the royalty." Bel frowned stabbing his knife into the table. "Where's out drinks, shi?" Five seconds later Gustav came with their drinks. "I am sorree gents for ze v'ait." He bowed setting each drink in front of them and hurrying off. "Damn right." Mumbled Levi as Xanxus once again interjected something about the trash.

Squalo burst into loud physcotic laughter as Gustav tripped over the dead mangled bodies and flipped into the trash chute where he got stuck. The poor guy. Xanxus couldn't care less as he gulped down his beer, finally alcohol. The promise land.

"Where's my vanilla wafers?" Fran pouted rocking to a fro in his chair. "They don't have any dearie~" cooed Lussuria as he turned away from making out with the plant. Oh yes, he and the plant were now in a relationship. Once he and the plant agreed on that the man had jumped up screaming "SO IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE!" And ran from the restaurant crying.

"What..." Fran dead panned stealing one of his senpai's knives and throwing it across the room, pinning a child to the wall. "What kind shitty restaurant is this? I want my money back!"

"But Levi paid for it a-"

"I SAID I WANT MY FREAKING MONEY BACK!"

Fran swiped another one of the prince's knives from his never ending stash and threw it at an old lady who was about to put back on her dentures. Sadly the dentures did not live to tell the tale. As people freaked out trying to get the teeth out of their food Bel kicking Fran off his chair seething with rage.

"Those are the prince's you toad!" Shrieked Bel pelting him with knives. Lussuria excused himself and the plant so they could make out somewhere less noisy. Xanxus was too drunk to care so he fell asleep with several empty bottles of liquor surrounding him like a tiny fortress. Levi was adding more bottles to the fortress in order to protect his precious bossu.

Soon Bel and Fran were declaring an all out war. The senpai chose the north side while his kohai chose the east side. Each was loaded to the brim with random foods and cutlery. "Burning frankfurter of death!" Yelled Bel picking up some food item that greatly resembled a hot dog and sent it aflame with one of the candles on the tables. He chucked it at Fran.

Fran screamed in terror before dodging quickly. "Flying fruits!" He declared loading a whole fruit platter into the illusiones cannon. Within seconds the prince's suit was covered in fruit stains. "NOOO WHYY~" Bel sunk to the floor dramatically pretending to be dead. Fran did a little dance and turned around making a sign of victory with his fingers.

"Just kidding! Ushishi!" Bel jumped up and threw a grenade at the froggy's head, it bounced off and landed in the center of the room. "Shit run!" They both yelled. Fran grabbed the hungover Xanxus and Bel grabbed Squalo. They didn't bother with Levi who just looked around stupidly.

There was a large explosion and blood everywhere. Bel turned to giggle at his creation of love, they dragged their elders to the van and threw them into the trunk. Lussuria came running up from nowhere with the plant in his arms and hopped into one of the passenger seats.

"Step on it senpai!" He hit the gas pedal flooring it while Fran turned up the mcr music full volume.

And with that they all drove home at breakneck speed running over anything in their paths. Lussuria singing the happy birthday song while molesting his plant. Half dead Levi chasing them down the street yelling for them to wait.

* * *

An hour later the head manager posted a sign on the only door that was still standing upright. It was a crudely drawn picture of everyone in Varia with a big red circle around them and a line through the middle.

"No mentally disturbed people allowed."

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**And now you see the reason why Varia doesn't go out to eat, they get banned from most restaurants. I've never actually been to a high class eatery, so... psh I don't know fancy food names, I'm too lazy to google it.**

**Read and review to see what happens to the ice cream man, ne?**

**ewe**


	3. I scream for the ice cream man

**So this oneshot didn't go how I originally planned, but meh. I'm not sure if I'll have a chance to update this week, so much shit to do and I kind of got taken advantage of resulting in quite a few things to draw... oh well.**

**A special thanks to Kageshi Makira for reviewing and the idea that I most surely _will_ write. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself and my nonsensical scribbles. Enjoy~**

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_**I scream for the ice cream man**_.

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•

•

"It's bloody hot, shi." Complained Bel as he leaned back, feeling a cool rag in his sweaty brow as Fran was playing doctor. "The patient's burning up." Mumbled Fran wiping his sweaty and equally red face, that was from it being a hot summer day.

It had to be over a hundred degrees outside that day. They both could've been inside the mansion enjoying the cool air conditioning. But apparently that gave them enough energy to cause 'a whole hell of damage' as Levi put it, shoving the two trouble makers outside.

Lussuria popped out moments later handing them some swim trunks and a pitcher of ice water, in case they were thirsty. He told them to go swimming, but the hear made both kohai and senpai too lazy to walk down the path and get to the lake. Instead they set to work on creating a substitute.

After a couple minutes of searching the dusty old shed outside they discovered an old plastic kiddy pool, by then both the latter and former's feet had been caked in dirt. Dragging the dirty thing over Fran washed it off and filled it with water as Bel watched. What? He's a prince for goodness sake.

Both took turns inside the she'd stripping off their clothes and donning swim trunks, how surprising though, wouldn't Lussuria have given them something like a speedo? Without the jock strap too. Both just shrugged, the heat must've gotten to the usually perverted Lussuria as well.

Once they were both inside it was much too warm of water so Fran conjured up ice cubes for the pool. They were only illusions but both believes they were real, thus it was so. Fran was bored and got it into his head after he helped Bel with cooling off that he had this idea he could practice medial examinations. Probably due to Bel's one in a million comment, "shishi, froggy could be a good doctor."

Bel didn't really mind in the least, he was cooled off, he was getting attention and it gave Fran something to do. It was a win, win, win, triple win situation. That was until the heat overtook his kohai and he flopped down face first into the water from exhaustion.

Bel cautiously poked the teal haired boy's head. "Froggy?" All that came in response was a couple of bubbles, he sat there for a couple of seconds before poking Fran again. "Hey frog, get up, you're going to drown yourself!" Fran didn't move.

Panicking just a bit, a most rare thing the prince never did, EVER. He jerked up Fran so he was sitting upright. Examining his little frog's face, Bel almost fell backwards in surprise. "What are you doing idiot?"

"Eh?" Fran turned to him still moving his lips like a fishy, apparently he hadn't been drowning, he'd been playing fish. Bel angrily smacked him at the back of his head. "Cut that out!" Fran glowered, still in his fishy face, lips drooping a bit. "Meanie." Another smack to the head.

There was a few minutes of silence before Bel finally spoke up, his curiosity getting the best of him this time. "What were you doing anyway?" Mentally he assured himself it was only this once. He wouldn't be a curious busybody like Lussuria was. The gaylord was probably cleaning inside the mansion with his plant, they were engaged now. Nobody really minded except when Lussuria had stenciled 'L + P 2gether 4 ever' on every tree he saw.

It was hindering on missions because he had to stop and do that to every- freaking- tree in sight! They'd be in the middle of battle and where was Lussuria? Stenciling love proclamations into wood. Seriously now. Not to mention they were all invited to his wedding which no one cared for.

"Well senpai, I suddenly had this idea that I could be a bass and wondered how exactly I might be able to breathe underwater. Unfortunately a shark ate me."

Bel just stared at him. "You're freaking weird, Fran." Fran shrugged and stuck his face back into the water and started blowing bubbles. The prince shrugged and focused on throwing knives at the neighborhood children. "Shishi, get off my lawn brats." He smirked. Before long two were dead while one was slowly dragging herself along the sidewalk to escape, he let her go just to enjoy the vision of pain.

Five minutes later he got bored, so the girl joined the rest of her friends in the sky.

An annoying ding-a-ling sound filled the air, playing the same song over and over. Bel watched with growing curiosity as a white van with a large colorful ice cream cone on the top cruised down their street. It had a large window on the side. He watched with amusement as a couple of children ran over to it and were quickly swept inside. What fun. Some sort of free ride?

"Ice creeeeaaaammm!" Drawled Fran monotonously as his blue face popped up from the water. He scrambled out of the pool, what confused the prince though was once Fran got out he cast an illusion that he was wearing a police uniform. "What're you up to froggy, shi?" His kohai looked excited and for the first time in his life Bel something of a smirk cross his face.

"Bel senpai..."

"Shishi, what?"

"Let's go prank the ice cream man!"

"... I love you."

Fran turned red. Quickly he cast an illusion on Bel, now they both looked like cops. Each nodded and began sauntering over to the ice cream truck, but decided an illusion wasn't enough. So they 'borrowed' their neighbor's police car, he was a cop and usually slept in during the day anyways.

"This is sweet, ushishi." Cackled Bel, switching on the sirens Fran floored the gas pedal and they sped off after the legit ice cream truck.

"This is the police, come out with your hands up." Bel screech into the walkie talkie thing as the sound blared out, the ice cream truck started speeding up. Taking the chance Bel waited until froggy had sped up {forcibly threatened to do so.} once they were side by side he rolled down his window, sticking his princely head out. The dark figure driving the van flinched slightly and tried rolling up their window.

"Ninja, shi!" He exclaimed jumping through their window. The van lurched as its driver was knocked out. Fran shrugged and let go of the steering wheel, jumping into the ice cream truck as well and standing up making a victory sign with his fingers. Simultaneously there was an explosion from the cop car that plowed many innocent civilians and ironically hit the police station, making the whole thing explode.

They took a moment to admire the beauty. Aroma of blood, gasoline and burnt flesh, it was such a wonderful smell. Whether Bel and Fran were physco, I'll never know. However they were both laughing so hard tears came out of their eyes, they only stopped when the 'ice cream man's' body jolted up.

"Whoa, senpai, he's awake." Drawled Fran grabbing the wheel of the ice cream truck and taking it for a joyride, completely ignoring the whimpers of the kidnapped children below.

"Mister Ice cream man, shishishi, the prince will be borrowing your vehicle now." Before he could protest Bel kicked him out the window and he went rolling dramatically into the lake. Cursing the whole time.

"Drive, drive, DRIVE!" Commanded the prince as they went crashing through the city. "Out of the way sexagenarian grandma!" Screeched Fran as he ran over the old lady who couldn't make it to the other end of the street fast enough. Eventually Bel just shoved all the children into one sack and threw them into the nearest orphanage on the way through.

This continued for awhile, running over children, running over pets, flipping off the chick-fil-a cow. Until... "SENPAI LOOK AT THIS!"

"Jeez, what is it froggy I'm trying to moon people here, shi,"

"I found a car phone!"

There were a couple crashing sounds suggesting Bel started to run over but tripped over his pulled down pants and landed smack on his bare ass.

"Aren't those from like 1960 something? Lemme see if it still works. Shishi."

"Dunno... Does it still work?"

"No... Prince nuggets..."

"I think I have a song for that senpai." Fran exclaimed digging into his pocket, looking away from the road for a couple of minutes, effectively hitting a lost puppy and his owner whom had been trying to coax him back. The poor dears. He threw some ice cream coupons out the window just for them.

"Found it!" Exclaimed the froggy triumphantly holding up his iPhone. {Just roll with it.} Bel looked at the thing curiously, sure he had one but... It was really old and he never used it anymore. Fran plugged the amp connection into the cd area, he tapped a few buttons before turning back to look out the bloodstained windows.

Instantly the beat of an unfamiliar tune filled the van. What was surprising was how funny the lyrics were. Bel found himself smiling more than he normally would. "I can call anyone I want, anyone I want on my car phone, my car phone~" the chorus rang.

"You should watch the music video Bel senpai." Before he could reply the blaring of sirens interrupted their casual conversation. Fran switched the music to, yes, mcr. While Bel grinned happily flopping onto the shotgun seat, giggling like a child on Christmas as he rolled down the window and screamed "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE COPPERS!" At all the police cars behind them.

Before long he was throwing knives at them and the entire police force was hot on their tail.

* * *

Back inside the air conditioned mansion the other members of Varia were lounging around while Squalo flipped through the news.

He tuned into the news where they were filming a high speed chase. "Several hit and runs were caused by two young men in an ice cream truck." Drawled the reporter who sounded like he'd rather be anywhere but here.

"The police are on the chase to ensure these trouble makers don't escape without a fifteen minute timeout." The camera then roomed in to the ratty ice cream truck with fourteen police cars chasing it. You could see a frog shaped hat poking out of the window and knives flying backwards out at the rear.

"What the voi. There's nothing good on." Grumbled Squalo tossing the remote to Lussuria and trudging upstairs.

"As long as they're home for dinner~" The gaylord sighed in a motherly way as he switched the channel to his favorite soap opera. "

* * *

My ice cream coupons..." Was all the legit ice cream man had to say as he poured water from his hat and senpai along with his kohai drive off into the sunset while taking out the police force on by one.

"ICE CREAM FOR I SCREAM."

* * *

**Car phone is a real song. If you care to watch it all you have to do is search YouTube for 'JULIAN SMITH- Car Phone!' And it should pop up. I highly recommend you watch it, so hilarious. Sorry for being lazy on the updates, I was going to update sooner but I got distracted by horror anime and had a project to finish.**

**Word of advice, never put off your work and go watch Shiki.**

**I know over a hundred people have read this, so speak up please? Any mistakes will be corrected later.**

**Read And Review.**


	4. Fran And His Frog

**I'msorryI'msorryI'msorrygomenasai**

**I know I was supposed to update a long time ago but there are so many obstacles in my way. School, cleaning, birthdays, sickness and dealing with all my stupid mental disorders ;-; I also have serious writers block so this is completely spontaneous.**

**There's so much to do. I'll try.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own khr in any way, shape or form. Enjoy~**

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"I'm going to get a frog." Fran declared one day bursting into the room of his senpai and was met head on with a row of freshly sharpened knives.

"What are you talking about froggy. You can't keep one of your own species as a pet." Bel sneered, polishing his favorite knife. The fruits of his labor was an exceptionally large and wickedly curved knife that was an accident of glitches proportions. He was studying it intensely in order to figure out how to make more. This was the prototype but it never failed to hit on target.

"So you can keep a weird creature that resembles your face but I can't even get a frog?" Fran huffed in monotone, however he was able to do that. His senpai simply nodded and smiled sarcastically. "The prince is above the law."

Fran ignored him and plopped down beside him, scooting uncomfortably close, peering over Bel's shoulder to look at whatever he was doing.

"That's a pretty outrageous knife you have senpai. I'm surprised it even works."

"Does froggy want to see how it works, shi."

"...no thank you Bel-senpai."

A couple moments of peaceful silence.

"Ne, Bel-senpai."

"What?"

"You know what I'm going to name my frog."

"Dinner?"

"Who would call their pet a name like that?!"

"The boss had a pet cow once, he named it Steak Dinner. He loved it a lot. Fed it bushels of carrots and let it go free in the neighbors lawns. Ushishishi. They were very close. He was always petting it and talking to it like it was the most valuable thing on earth, the spoiled little steak dinner."

"What happened to it?"

"The boss got hungry."

"Oh."

Fran rolled into the corner of the room and began flipping through all of Bel's manga. He selected one called 'Princess Tutu' and began reading it. Every now and then there was the sound of a turning page and the scraping of metal.

Suddenly Belphegor's phone started buzzing so he picked it up and noticed there was one new message.

Fran: I'd name it Buffy.

"Gosh dangit Frog why are you texting me when we're in the same room?!"

Fran: I don't like it when we fight :(

Bel chucked his phone at the illusionists head which knocked him out cold and that was that. Finally he could sharpen his knives in peace.

The phone started buzzing and he tried to ignore it but it was so persistent that he finally gave up and checked the screen. Anything to get it to shut up.

Buffy: I'll always luv u 4ever

"Fucking frogs."

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**ewe pets. Fran hates it when they fight ouo I'll make them 'babysit' Mammon in a later chapter. ****And I have to work on _Messed up meetings. _****Its a work in progress.**

**_Read and review,_ ne?**


	5. Xanxus of the open range

**So I'm probably for now going to make a monthly update. I have to go to rehab now everyday for two weeks, won't get home till three in the afternoon and gave three hours of schoolwork after that... Sorry. And also the freaking keyboard on my tablet stopped working so I have to type on my iPod. Mail it to myself and then copy and paste it to Fanfiction. Shit.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own khr. Enjoy~**

* * *

Xanxus grunted as he wiggled to get comfortable in his large throne chair. Normally he would've been relaxing upstairs in his room with a bottle of vodka but that stupid illusionist insisted he had an important matter to discuss.

It probably had something to do with the cow he'd fattened up that one time. Ever since that piece of trash Belphegor told him about Steak Dinner. Fran wouldn't stop following him around, asking for details about the cow and his love for it.

So Xanxus finally snapped. Said something about beastiality. And sent the illusionist flying out the door and into the wall.

He thought he had finally gotten rid of the problem, but noooo. Fran was probably going to do something outrageous again seeing as how instantly all the lights shut off causing Lussuria to shriek in a girly way. Tough sun guardian his ass.

"Thank you all for coming." Fran's voice came from somewhere in the shadows, it was deeper meaning he was trying but failing at disguising his voice. It probably didn't help that everything he said was in monotone...

"Shut up and get on with it, trash." Xanxus said standing up to leave but Squalo handed him a bottle of red wine so he instantly sat down again and started gulping down the nasty liquid. Squalo had several more cases behind him in order to get through this presentation of 'Flan's'.

Fran who had been mumbling to himself for quite some time now, launched into action when a large plunking sound signaled Bel had hit perfectly on target. Metal hit the floor and Bel vowed to strangle him for that later.

"I am about to tell you the story of a man and his cow." He drawled, everyone groaned but Fran continued on. "There once was a Texan bandit who was known throughout all the wild Wild West for the scars on his face, the cow he rode and the fact that he only drank alcohol."

Fran snapped his fingers and instantly illusions clear as day danced across the floor. The 'lone ranger' looked exactly like, "you're shitting me." Xanxus groaned as he realized it looked exactly like him and steak dinner. Everyone else was either silent with disgust or amazement at the sight of Xanxus happily riding a bovine. -The illusions talk for themselves. -"Faster Steak Dinner." Xanxus's urged on his blazing cow as she ran faster than a bullet.

"VOOOOIIII YOU LITTLE BRATS!" Screamed Squalo as he struggled against the tight rope that secured him to the tracks. Cleverly tied by Belphegor and his buddy Fran. Two of the most notorious criminals in the west.

"Ushishishi." Snickered Bel. Fran looked from Squalo to Bel, then back again, then forth again, and back and fourth several times until his senpai was severely annoyed. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHA~" He burst out in the usual monotone, twirling his French mustache with vigor and snazz.

Everything was black and white like one of those old time silent films, so the words just flashed onto the screen because their voices couldn't be heard at all.

"Pink dressuji~" Whistled Fran. Instantly Squalo was wearing a frilly pink dress with so much lace it could choke the abdominal snowman. His silver hair was tied up into a pretty bun with a lacy bow, and a matching pink parasol. He had the makeup to go with it too. Fran gave him the full works.

"What? The lipstick couldn't even be Mary Kay?!" Screamed Squalo as he tried to get free from the bounds. "We couldn't find the right color, shi." Shrugged Bel as he threw Fran over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, jumped on his unicorn Magical Rainbow Dreams and sped off into the distance of nothingness.

"AND TO ALL A GOOD DEATH!" Fran made sure to scream. Bel merely snickered in agreement.

"What is it my little Steak?" Asked Xanxus in an unusually soft voice as he prepared to rape the struggling bovine. Steak Dinner made a couple of raspy mooing sounds and nodded towards the train. He squinted and noticed a rather ugly lady (Squalo) tied to the tracks.

"To hell with him!" Xanxus growled moving to unzip his pants but Steak Dinner rolled away flipping him on her back and charged towards the tracks. He rolled his eyes.

Swooping down in a batman costume he stole off some child's body he grabbed Squalo off the tracks. His eyes happened to meet Squalo's they stared at eat other deeply, for a long, long time. Before Xanxus finally threw him into the nearest dumpster.

"I can't believe I saved such an ugly woman." He coughed riding away to the nearest bar because Steak Dinner refused to give him it. Angrily he ditched his cow and stomped into the bar where he ordered a brandy and was immediately given one by the stylish peacock bartender.

"I'm gay." Lussuria said seriously giving a little twirl as Xanxus stared at him in disbelief. "My plant wants to touch your cow." More staring. "You would look good in rouge." Xanxus finally had enough and threw his glass at Lussuria's head, then one at the plant beside him. Watching in satisfaction as both slumped to the floor.

"And that's why we value each others friendship." Declared Fran popping out of nowhere with a toddler Belphegor on his back, sucking his knife quite diligently. "Yay~" cheered Xanxus with his cow giving it a kiss and a squeeze to the others while Lussuria who was raised from the dead cried over his dearly departed plant fiancé.

And Squalo hobbled in remarking something about a groper and jelly boobs. Levi was shot even before he made it into the story so it wasn't really a big deal.

The End.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS TRASH?!" Screamed Xanxus stomping up the stairs. While Lussuria tried to refrain Bel from strangling his kohai for the toddler scene. Squalo screamed about having better things to do and ripped out one of Levi's piercings. The lightening guardian had to go to the ER.

The whole while Xanxus had secretly holed himself up inside his room. Watching old home movies of him and his illicit relationship with the dear Steak Dinner. "Rest in pieces." He muttered wiping his nose and throwing a hammer at one of the neighborhood children.

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**I don't know anymore. This has to be one of the worst oneshots I've ever made. I'm going to be a lazy ass and sleep instead of caring.**

**Read and Review.**


	6. Messed up meetings: Part 1: OH NO APOCAL

**HELLO. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME HASN'T IT. DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN KHR AND I THINK MY FINGER IS STUCK ON THE CAPS BUTTON.**

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"Bah! Why do we have to go?" Levi let out a loud grumble as he electrocuted another one of those freaking children, they multiplied like cockroaches. Currently they were all crawling from everywhere, the gutters, the sidewalk, they bubbled up from the no longer occupied kiddy pool.

"Children, children everywhere~" whined Lussuria as he twirled his big stick whacking kids and spearing them. Dumping the remains into a large bucket labeled 'Lost and found' just in case their parents came searching for them later.

Like a good neighbor state far- Varia was there. The mighty eagles of child control. Helping neighborhoods one little explosion at a time. Currently they were on the way to meet up with the Vongola and Tsuna had somehow convinced Xanxus that it was imperative that they discuss signing a treaty with his familiga.

The children had followed them though, so now instead of bringing a giant tuna as a welcome gift like Squalo wanted to. Bel suggested they being the choicest of slaughtered children, Lussuria quickly agreed because their flesh was soft and juicy. Delicious for stews. (Don't ask)

It was over in a matter of minutes and Varia casually strode into the Vongola headquarters with dignity and grace.

"For you." Fran said boredly tossing the fattest most delicious child on the table. Everyone gawked. "What makes you think we would want that?!" Gokudera yelled slamming his fist down. "TAKE IT BITCH!" Screamed Squalo before throwing him into his chair and muttering, "voivoivoivoiungratefulvoi."

Tsuna's mouth opened and closed like a fish for a couple minutes before Reborn finally slapped him over the head with a boomerang. "Tsuna talk, retard." The flabbergasted tenth turned to the unruly caravan of assassins whom were obviously waiting for him to hurry up and explain his business with them.

He took a deep breath and tried to present himself in a seemingly proper way.

"Uh.. I called you here today to...er... Ask for your help." Xanxus choked on his drink and instantly Levi rushed to bossu's side with a handkerchief. But tried to pry it away moments later when his idolized figure tried cramming it down his throat in order to choke himself. Therefore stating he'd rather die than make an alliance when there was no reason to do so.

Squalo took a wary glance at Xanxus before turning to the cause of bossu's suicide attempt. "What's the meaning of this? Like we'd make a deal with a Vongola brat." Without warning Reborn shot the tenth.

"YOU WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY EVEN IF IT KILLS MEEEEEEE!" Screamed Tsuna suddenly ripping off his shirt and revealing his hairless chest. Bel gave a low whistle in mockery as everyone stared except Xanxus and Levi who were occupied with life or death.

"What the fu(censored)." Tsuna cussed as of Fran had taken out a sharpie and was doodling hairs on his chest. "EVERYBODY SIT DOWN NOW!" Boomed Reborn and instantly everyone was sitting properly and straight up in their respectable seats around the table.

There was muttering as Xanxus pulled the handkerchief from the back of his throat and threw it against the wall. It stayed there.

"Now.." Tsuna cleared his throat after putting on a fresh shirt. "Let me explain just WHY I need your help." Just then Yamamoto came in wearing a flight attendants uniform and wheeling a scale model of the mall.

"You want to build a mall?" Lussuria pressed his hand over his mouth girlishly and seemed surprised that the Vongola would want to create a shopping center. "Will there be cake?" Fran asked ever so innocently riding on Mink's back. The cat thingy was now the size of a lion due to a invention mishap that might be bothered to explain some other time.

"What- NO." Tsuna snapped his fingers and Yamamoto placed little figurines around the shopping center, a few suspended in the air by fishing wire so they looked like they were parachuting downwards.

"O.M.G! You want us to help you start a figurine collection!" Exclaimed Levi grinning and crossing his arms over his chest like he had just discovered the cure for all cancers which would save millions of lives and make him filthy rich enough to buy Xanxus's love. Too bad. Bossu was still pining away for his dead cow.

"Just listen to me!" Wailed Tsuna almost in tears, Lambo pulled a gun and instantly everyone was quiet. All the girls weren't present because it was presented as mans work and they went to go buy ice cream instead and cake to throw at them later, regardless if they lived to that moment.

"I need to form a temporary alliance with you because zombies are going to take over the mall!" Everyone blinked. "The apocalypse will happen!" Silence. "I'll buy everyone pudding and red wine." The room erupted with cheers.

Thus Tsuna spent three unneeded hours of going through their battle plan, by the second hour Fran got bored, so he reached over completely expressionless and kicked Squalo in the shin. The half asleep shark man jumped up with a glare on his face assuming it was i-pin who was sitting right next to him. The results were interesting. Lambo was kicked, then Bel, then Gokudera, then Lussuria's plant, then Yamamoto, and eventually everyone was secretly trying to kick each others asses in a mean game of 'make the shins bleed'.

They all settled down except for Squalo and Yamamoto who were still going at it. Of course Yamamoto being Yamamoto thought it was a fun game while Squalo was getting visibly angrier by the second and just when he might explode.

Tsuna was knocked out with an eraser.

"LET'S GO SAVE THE WHALES!" Screamed Bel as he jumped on the back of his kohai and they sped out the door, everyone followed still kicking each other in the shins as hard as they possibly could.

* * *

Once they got to the mall it was chaotic. Squalo began to harass the shoppers. "VOII WHERE ARE THE FREAKING LOREÀL PRODUCTS. THIS FACE DOESN'T JUST STAY YOUNG ON ITS OWN YOU KNOW!" He screamed into the face of a five year old girl who's only reaction was to burst into tears.

"What is wrong with you?!" Exclaimed her mother getting all up in his face as she began hitting him with her pocketbook. "Respect my authoriteh!" He tried to snatch her purse but that hunk of years eating McDonalds fries and half priced shakes wasn't having any of that. She pulled out a can of pepper spray attacked his face with it.

"VOIIII MY BEAUTIFUL EYES. THEY'VE BEEN DIMMED OF THEIR GLORIOUS SHINE, I'M MELTINGGGG." He sank to the floor with a sob, the mother grabbed her daughter and awkwardly walked away from his wriggling form.

"Bel senpai. Where do they sell headbands, should I go to Forever21 or Justice?" Fran debated pushing the prince around in a mini shopping cart you were allowed to push all around the shopping center.

"Ugh, go to Forever21, Justice is for twelve year old girls just figuring out what lipstick and hormones are. None of their trainer bra- shoes, fit the prince anyway." So froggy sped to Forever21 knocking down all the small children who stood on his path, remembering the few expired ice cream coupons he threw them those to pay for their medical bills.

While Fran was looking at their wide variety of bedazzled headbands, his senpai occupied himself by looking through their extensive lines of bright pink trainer bras, "but then again purple and red are quite suitable for the prince as well." He lifted both of them up comparing them critically while teen girls and their mothers just stared.

"Oh my gosssshhhhh~" Squealed Lussuria looking at the tiny pink café with his faithful plant. "We should go their for our date. It's exclusive and a quiet little place yes~" he looked over to Jeffery the plant, we might as well give it a name I mean, he's an important character of this heart wrenching love ballad

But Jeffery was no where to be found. Vanished like a... Vanishing plant. Lussuria stumbled backwards in shock, for what he saw was the most tragic and heartbreaking scene of all. Jeffery sat side by side with a perky little lilac bush, a musical montage of newfound romance began to play in the background while the water from the fountain burst up into the shape of a heart.

Unable to bear it anymore Lussuria ran away crying bitter tears of betrayal. He vowed one day to get revenge on his fallen love. (The feels.)

Suddenly without warning zombies came crashing through the windows immediately ripping open the heads of people and devouring their brains. Blood spattered everywhere. Screams increasing a twofold.

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THE PRINCE'S SEXY LINGERIE SHOPPING!" Screamed Bel running out of the shop with bags filled to the brim of all the bras in the store, it was billed to Levi anyway so why not.

Fran came heroically running after him with a plastic cheetah patterned headband complete with jewels and a ruffly bow on one side placed atop his frog hat with much sophistication. He began throwing heels at the zombies, everyone knew that the six inch kind were lethal.

Levi was already dead.

As for Xanxus he didn't give a crap and lay on one of the mattresses drinking his lifetime supply of vodka and raising his glass in salute to the victims who were pounding on the locked doors screaming to be let in.

"I'll kill you. You betrayer, I'll take my revenge for what you've done! JUST YOU WAIT!" Lussuria rocked back and forth with crazy eyes in his corner, a unnatural insane smile spread across his face and he loaded more ammo into the machine gun that had been found just lying in the middle of the floor.

"Aha. Hahaha MYAHAJAHAGAAHAHAAAAA!"

**-T0 bE cOnTiNuEd~**


	7. The King and his Frog

**By**_** the request of my special reviewer Olho07**_

**The most unlikely pairing just got real; seriously I never imagined...muahahaha. I own nothing just the storyline. Enjoy~**

**FEM SQUALO APPEARS IN THIS STORY**

* * *

All in the line of duty to protect their precious ill-tempered King of the Varia kingdom. Why he chose such an unnatural name for his kingdom of pillage and assassination was beyond everyone. They didn't want to die so no one questioned his esteemed excellence.

Sometimes it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Once a servant was made to lick his highness's shoes and then wash them all for hitting on his personal attendant Squalina. {HAHAHA} Sure her looks were stunningly gorgeous but she had a mouth on her; loud, obnoxious and full of cuss words she was a firey sort when riled up. Which his highness Xanxus the first found amusing as he sat on his throne with the usual wine in one hand.

He was unmovable, untouchable. Not one woman vying for his adoration in order for his cash was able to sway his stone cold heart. That was until the new maid arrived.

Short, blank and wearing an utterly ridiculous frog hat his higher up's forced him to wear. Fran.

Fran was no happy child, at age fifteen he was a rude sarcastic person who was quite talented in the art of illusions often used for amusement. He was hired to cook, clean and entertain. A housewife of sorts per say.

Now I could through a long winded account of his days of working before being promoted to polishing the throne room but it's too boring and wouldn't be entertaining.

Xanxus would have never noticed him if it hadn't been for th cumbersome frog hat he wore atop his head that hid most of his teal hair and unique eyes from plain sight. The cook, Belphegor, always called him Froggy for this reason. Always picking fun as he chopped up foods with his wickedly sharp knives.

"Who's that Frog?" Xanxus grunted to Squalina his seme. Her fabulous silver hair which was always maintained to it's highest degree swished as she turned to look at Fran in his frilly pink apron using an illusioned duster to dust the trophy shelf. Wrestling trophies mostly.

"Him? That's Fran the new illusionist maid." She sniffled at Xanxus's interest, no more late night adventures for her anymore she supposed. Shoved aside like an old toy and forced into cold reality as she writes this overly dramatised paragraph.

Xanxus craned his neck to catch a glimpse of his new uke's faced but to no avail. Squalina begrudgingly handed him Fran's resume. He was cute no doubt. Innocent; the kind Xanxus loved most. Heh. Another day another loss of virginity.

Fran was aware of the King's eyes burning holes in the back of his head, he had to bite his tongue in order to prevent himself from saying something saucy. But it slipped out anyway. "Why don't you take a picture it'll last longer." He immediately gasped and cursed himself and his incurable disposition.

"Come here Frog."

His blood ran cold at the deep voice of his master but put on a blank face. Head bowed he quietly walked over and kneeled before Xanxus as all must. This was an intimidating man no doubt, the body of an ox and a vixen temper to boot. Not that he wouldn't tap that. Wait, what?

Xanxus grabbed his chin lifting it to face him as he bent down from his throne. Our little kohai was beginning to feel self conscious as he felt his face being examined intensely, he didn't dare look him in the eyes. "Such a pretty face." Came Xanxus's deep voice containing amusement. "It'd be such a shame for it to get ruined. Don't you agree?" Fran gulped and cringed at his smirk, it was daunting nevertheless.

"Yes sir." He had to bite his tongue, the last thing he wanted was hospital food. Bel often referred to that telling Froggy he would miss his cooking if he crossed the 'prince'. Fallen prince senpai.

Xanxus let go of his face with an evil smile. "Now go, next time you won't get of so easily." Fran stumbled backwards with a frown. Punishment would come no matter. He'd just have to hold his tongue, easier said than done.

* * *

_In which a week passes uneventfully._

* * *

"Oh my so cuteee~" Fran cringed, who was this gay pedo? Who was the old thunder man behind him? They looked scary in a rape-you-at-any-second way. Not to mention one sported flourescent pink and the other had excessive piercings. No matter, he was only afraid of Xanxus.

So in response he chucked the pink feather duster at them. "Gtfo." And sashayed away in his maids uniform with them sassy hips. Honestly he looked like a girl most times if it weren't for the marks under his eyes. they'd have been purple if he was female. He once thought about painting them purple just to trick others.

Lussuria squealed while hugging his hot pink cashmere coat to himself. Mink, Bel's pet thing bit him.

Fran bit his lip sexily looking around for a way to stay away from the freaks. Bingo. A private room was just to his left. "FRANNNN~" How the hell did that freak learn his name?! No matter. He silently slipped inside locking the door behind himself and slid down to the floor with a monotone sigh.

"Pretty daring to come into my private office eh Frog."

Fran jumped. It was Xanxus sitting back at his desk with a document in one hand and a glass of vodka in the other.

His heart thumped, why was he getting so excited? Fuck. He jiggled the handle but it was stuck and now he was in a room alone with the king wearing a questionable maids dress. Worst of all Xanxus wasn't even doing anything which made it more nerve-wracking. Still he kept a blank face.

"How do I get out?" He said pointing to the obviously locked door.

"You can't."

"What?"

"Can't get out, they always lock me in here so I'll do paperwork. There's no way out so get comfortable." With that said Xanxus leaned farther back in his chair. There was going to be some explicit content here, was Frog trying to seduce him? That short skirt exposing his smooth legs and that sexy expression on his face. It was almost more than he could bear.

"You're shitting me." Fran groaned and slumped over. Rubbing his arms in annoyance. Suddenly he was on the floor. Xanxus hovering over him, his majesty had snapped. It was too much; he wanted Fran, no, NEEDED him. Fran was aware the situation at hand but was too intoxicated by his scent to react.

Slowly Xanxus's fingers trailed to Fran's mouth he began rubbing his lips with his thumb making Fran gasped for air as he was suddenly kissed. surprisingly he kissed back with full pleasure. Feeling Xanxus's hands slide up his shirt, one night stand or not he wouldn't regret any of this.

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**It's short I know. It killed me, shattered my BelxFran feels, I hope you're happy.**

**If you are then read and review even though this sucks ass.**

**Thanks, ja ne~**


	8. Oh Dear Stop

**Disclaimer: I do not own khr in any way shape or form, but I do own all my fangirl screams EEEEEEEEEE**

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"Senpai! Don't you dare!"

"Shishi what's with the senpai froggy why not something more endearing for the prince?"

"Oh. Dear. Stop."

"The prince should smack you." Bel said holding up their crying child getting ready to throw the loud noise maker out the window and get rid of it once and for all. It was pissing him off to no end with the constant crying.

In fact it was so constant that he and his wife {Fran just fran} hadn't had a good nights sleep in three months. And he didn't even know males could get pregnant.

He liked the kid's sadistic smile though, he had teal hair cut like his daddy's and eye markings like his mommy's. since Fran was the girlier one he got to be the mommy.

"Bel senpai put little Azu down." Fran snorted taking the baby away from the latter and setting him on the floor since he could crawl already.

"But he's so annoying." Bel whined.

"I think you're just jealous." Fran smirked at him confidently and took the knife away from Azu.

"The prince is not." Bel huffed appalled at the fact that froggy was actually right, they hadn't spent personal time together apart from collapsing on the bed from exhaustion in looking after their child and work.

All Bel wanted was to have some Froggy and Prince time.

"VOIIII HERE'S UNCLE!" Yelled a voice behind the other side of the door before the door was kicked down revealing Squalo in all his tainted glory.

Azu clapped and toddled over to his 'uncle' playing with his Superbi Squalo Special Defense Sword as he called it or SSSDS for short, it varied.

"Fran what the voi are you wearing?!" He exclaimed pointing to the pink apron Fran was rocking.

"You're just jealous like Senpai." Fran sniffed running away leaving the two other males in shock. "How dare you insult my wife!" Bel cackled conjuring the magical unfortold knives that appeared from nowhere ready to fluff shit up.

"VRAII BRING IT ON MOPHEAD."

"Senpai next time play with stupid long haired captain outside dimwit." Fran chided looking at their shredded up apartment that was just one of the many in Varia mansion.

Bel 'che'd and walked off leaving their child to play with the rubble, it was amusing for a five year old child.

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**And that's pretty much how everything goes in the family life of B26, sorry I have writers block Read and Review though please?**


	9. test of patience

**Disclaimer: Me no own B26**

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Typical days in the Varia were filled with do's and don't's. You do stand up for yourself but you don't take it to rebellion. That's basically what our little protagonist learned a list of things that don't work in enticing his maniacal senpai.

At the same time he learned sometimes its okay to step over the boundaries and do all the Don't's for your benefit.

It all depends on the time of day...

"Senpa~i."

"What is it," sniff "you damn frog." Sniff.

Oh yes did I mention the prince had a cold, due to never getting sick he got everything from a fever to shakes and chills. Having more important things to do Squalo sent the younger kohai to look after their fallen prince.

It was a test of patience. Belphegor wasn't grinning like he usually does nor once did the casual creepy laughter escape his lips. He was really sick.

Not to mention 'trying' to sleep as Fran tried to be a good nurse by asking him how he felt every five minutes.

"Senpai how are you fee-" Fran began for the millionth time and was cut off by the annoyed prince. "Like shit now shut up and let the prince rest."

He closed his unseen eyes for a few minutes for some deserved rest.

And just as quickly they opened behind his messy fringe when annoying ding sounds filled the room. "Frggy if yor gun playwifdat leave teh room." He mumbled sleepily hearing the scraping of a chair which meant Fran was getting up to leave the room.

"Fu'k th ph'ne." He mumbled falling back asleep while expertly cracking his wrist off the bed table spilling some of his princely blood all over the floor.

"WAKE UP SENPAI I BROUGHT FOOD!" Screamed a monotone voice if its even possible to scream in monotone of Fran. Bel didn't budge and rolled over "go 'way." He whined sneezing.

His head was throbbing like hell, ringing ears took in the noises of bowls or something being set down. The bed was surprisingly warmer.

Belphegor felt dead weight on his torso and lifted his head to see Fran just sitting there on top of him. So he reached for a knife but unfortunately the cold made his movements slow and he wasn't quick enough completely missing his kohai's head.

"Tch." He reached for another one but it was daringly knocked out if his hand by a daring frog who jerked his face forward and crashed their lips together.

Something warm and sweet ran down his throat it took his clouded brain a moment to realize Fran had just mouth fed him soup. Glad his face had already been red so Fran wouldn't see he was blushing as he tried shoving him off.

"Ah ah ah bad senpai." Fran teased shoving Bel back down. "Either you eat from the bowl or I feed it to you." Bel was going to eat, it'd been two days since he last did so.

"Who said you could touch my princely lips." He growled indignant at the thought that he would even begin to start falling for the frog. Never, never ever ever ever eve- "senpai."

He snapped out of his trance. "What?"

"You're burning up fake prince." He ever so eloquently pointed out.

"The prince isn't fake you fucking toad!" Bel would've slit his throat if it weren't for his condition. "Just let prince sleep." He whined shoving the pillow over his head.

"Wrong answer." Fran pinned him down on the bed and waited till Bel got too tired to move around before he continued mouth feeding him soup like the pervert he could be. Okay so he liked Bel.

Fran shook his head displeased when Bel nearly spit out the last mouthful of soup, he would've done it too just to spite him but that wouldn't have worked out well seeing how Froggy was in complete control of this situation.

"Now that wasn't so bad was it." He concluded earning a displeased groan in response. "Fu'k yu fr'g." And within moments he was asleep probably not to remember all of this including losing his first kiss which he never cared about. He'd surely stab the sarcastic frog if any remembrance.

Looking down and seeing the prince asleep Fran smiled and smoothed back his messy bangs so he could see his senpai's peacefully closed eyes.

"That was fun, lets do this again sometime." He chirped knowing Bel didn't hear him and swaggered away.

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**So yeah writers block defeated nother chapter completed. If I get two reviews this time I'll update. If not how sad**


	10. Typical weekends at Varia

**Disclaimer: I no own teh khr**

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"Ushishishi." The prince in all his pomp and vigor sat propped up on the armchair his elbows resting gingerly on the armrest as he watched a continuous movie of horror complete with death, gore and the pleading cries he induced himself in so much.

"Voiii Bel turn that shit down I can't concentrate!" Roared Squalo who was trying to furiously beat his high score of wii tennis. He was addicted, every break he got he would play in between paperwork and serving Xanxus with his body.

Lussuria was rummaging through Squalo's secret collection of hair clips, digging out those mlp ones he loved so much and trying them out on his artificially colored mowhawk, you could clearly tell what he was doing because every now and then there was a delighted squeal down the hallway.

"Shut it peasant." Bel growled focusing on the little child getting skinned alive, his love of gore was intense as well as creating gore. Something his kohai found to be weirdly fascinating as he looked up from his book every now and then to glance at the oblivious prince the ripper.

If there was one thing he could never make sense of it was his attraction to that killing machine. Yes bel had his good moments but usually he was a short tempered demonic grinning psychopath.

Suddenly three wickedly curved knives planted themselves into his cumbersome frog hood his senpai forced him to wear all because his once best friend Mammon used to carry a frog around with him.

"Senpaiiiii, what was that for?" Fran droned looking up in disguised annoyance.

"For thinking bad things about the prince~ Peasants shouldn't think things with their mouths~" He ushied and turned back to the TV also known as the box of distraction. Fran che'd and went back to reading while hiding a slight blush.

"VRAIII FUCKIN WEEABOO!" Cursed Squalo as he lost yet another battle with an online player. Most likely because he swung so fast it couldn't be caught by the censor.

"Where's Levi-chan~?" Asked the gaylord suddenly looking up with a sparkly array of clips in his mowhawk.

"Levi-San went to go get snacks for the boss." Fran droned not particularly caring about the whereabouts of a pervert.

"Oh my~ do you think they're together now~?" He questioned innocently making Squalo snap the remote in half, Bel pause his movie and Fran put down his book just to stare blankly at Mama Luss.

"WHAT?!" Squalo screamed while Bel told Luss to stfu. "OH MY GOD SO HE'S CHEATING ON ME- I MEAN WHAT IF THEY ARE I'LL GO FIND OUT!" He stomped away with the broken wii remote in hand as they all heard him kick the door to Xanxus's office open.

"Rest in pieces~" Bel giggled resuming the movie. "Poor squa-chan he's trying so hard~" Cooed Lussuria expertly putting a Hello Kitty clip in Fran's hair who didn't look too pleased about that.

The rest of the afternoon continued normally aside from the deep throaty moans that belonged to Squalo drifting down the hallway

"We shouldn't disturb them~" Lussuria said at last getting up to make dinner and leaving Bel and Fran alone in the sitting room as they heard the blatant sounds of hot sex going on in the next room. Squalo wasn't exactly the quiet type.

"Jeez the sounds are hurting the prince's ears." Bel complained jacking up the volume to the TV but even at full blast it still couldn't drown out the moaning so he eventually gave up and read manga instead.

Fran however was bored as hell, he'd already finished all his books from the library. Maybe he could find some... Entertainment pestering his senpai. If you know what he meant. If you don't congratulations.

"Senpaiii~" Fran droned crawling over to him and sitting on his lap only to get shoved off. "Who gave you permission to sit on the prince." Bel grinned irritably turning back to the latest volume of Skip-Beat!

"Ow no fair, how come Mink gets to sit in your lap all the time? I'm your pet too~" Bel gave him a funny look.

"Mink is light and fluffy, he is the cutest little shishi there ever was. You're a Frog, frogs don't cuddle with people idiot toad." He said as if it made perfect sense.

"But this one could." Fran said daringly straddling the latter. Making him very very uncomfortable but for some reason he liked it. Weirdo.

"Get off!" He said shoving Fran who only cuddled closer, no one was around so there was no need to be embarrassed or anything, wasn't he professing his love right now. Oh well.

"Goddammit frog!" Shouted Bel stabbing him repeatedly but it did no good he was latched on like a leech. What was up with froggy today he was unusually clingy.

"AAASAHBZYJV IT WON'T GET OFF!" Screamed Bel running around and screaming with his teal haired companion clinging to his back like a baby koala.

In the end they both fell down the stairs and accidentally kissed each other. Best moment for Fran worst for Bel. "Youuuuuuu PEASANT!"

Fran ended up looking like a prickly cactus with knives poking out every which why, there was stilling banging noises coming from the room upstairs meaning the love making was getting pretty rough.

"Someday you'll love me senpai, someday..." Fran said dramatically looking off to the distance as the scene closed and fake applause was heard.

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**Idek anymore I'm so bored**


	11. Ladybugs

_**This**_ was the _last_ thing Mammon had planned to do on their Christmas vacation. Reborn had come for a visit and oh how they should've seen this coming, dressing up as an elf with him wasn't too bad in their mind now that they were subjected to _this_. This, this red and black polka dotted atrocity.

Of course the **royal** couple burst into a fit of giggles, leaning on each other's shoulders for support. Mammon made a mental note to hide watermelon seeds and ladybugs in each of their beds.

Fran was terrified of watermelon seeds, it might have to do with the fact that as a child Mukuro told him if he swallowed the seeds they'd turn into babies. He was still afraid of becoming the first pregnant male.

And Bel, well, he wasn't laughing anymore. His face had turned deadly pale, before anyone could ask he turned and fled from the room screeching.

Sure butterflies were _challenging_ but ladybugs were _**horrifying**_. And Mammon just so happened to be wearing a large, intimidating ladybug costume. While Reborn was dressed as a praying mantis, they just had to be forced as the prey.

"Reborn what are we dooooing!" They whined as Lussuria began taking many polaroids to remember this 'moment'. They rolled their eyes beneath their hood, their cheeks turning pink with embarrassment.

"We're dressing up for our interview." Reborn stated casually knowing what was to come next.

"REBOOORNNN!"

"Ciao, ciao."

He took off running with the ladybug right behind him, holding out their "mark"er, poised and ready to draw all over his face.

Yes Mammy happened to like kpop and claimed they were to be the next top idol for Big Hit entertainment. They could sing three renditions of "girls girls girls" and knew "bulletproof" by heart. They also claimed to be Asian and swore they would make millions.

But that's another story.

In the end Mammon decided to wear the stupid costume and chase a frightened Belphegor around the house. Fran laughed the entire time, eating a bowl of popcorn and claiming this was a real show. Bel would get him later for this but the least he could do was **stab** him for it. Ooh, scary~

Lussuria had quite a few polaroids of his screaming child to add to the family album.

Somebody probably should have warned Bel not to reveal his fears to everyone, because two weeks later a very pissed Fran showed up at his door.

As a _ladybug_.

"Have mercy on the Prince!"

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**And what we learned here is that I was bored and never reveal even one fear to Varia. Sorry it's so short. I ran out of au ideas for a little bit.**


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